Making each
Calculated move
To ensure
Your safety
Don't let them
See you suffer
Real life doesn't exist here
If you speak it
They know it
It's there
Alive
Naked
Cover it up
You are invincible...
This mask
Is suffocating every cell in your body
Yet you play this game
To survive without fault
Yet the faultless
Don't get the help they need
And here you are
Underneath
No one sees you
The real you
Crying for change
Fingers gripping
This semblance of stability
Broken
Flailing
Falling...
Mask on:
The real you unreachable
While I play the unstoppable.
***
Masking has become a more popular term in recent years. During the Halloween season, we’re looking for costumes and accessories. Our goal is to portray different characters, mostly in the physical sense. But many neurodivergent people take on this persona in all aspects of life, making themselves more palatable and pleasing to others. Doing so can be as simple as saying “I’m fine” or “I’m good,” when they really aren’t. Or the concept of masking can be so natural, one won’t recognize it until much later in life.
My name is Shawnon, and I’m 35 years old. I’ve been masking for most of my life. Everyone I’ve interacted with has seen this “best” version of me, not realizing it was a performance. I didn’t know either. Up until the late 2010s, I was living with undiagnosed mental illnesses, and I was overcompensating to hide them.
I come from a line of black women superheroes, always perservering. I adopted this mindset. I overextended at work. I prioritized other projects and initiatives before myself and my husband. And I did it all, pretending I was fine, while my body and mind suffered from the increased stress.
There are so many layers here. I’m awaiting further mental health diagnoses. I’m getting used to the limits my body and mind are enforcing on me. I’m still learning what can work for me.
I’ve decided to take you on this journey. It’s time you learned the truth, right as I’m learning about it myself.
The working title of my next book is Breaking the Mask: a Healing Journey. In this future project, you’ll see all sides of me: good and bad, brave and scared, fake and real.
In this space, you’ll see drafts of pieces and the stories behind them. My goal is to post monthly for now, as I build up my writing practice again.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. Do you mask? What topics would you like to see me cover?
This journey can feel lonely, so I invite you to reach out. Thanks for reading.