Pride and answers.

[Image description: Shawnon is rocking short, lavender natural hair with gray sunglasses resting on her head. She is smiling and wearing a red dashiki-style blouse with accents of yellow, black, blue, white, and green.]

The last half of Pride Month was very queer for me, as it should be. I got to witness my friends get married at the last showing and reception of We Are Gathered. Juneteenth marked seven years since my book release, and I almost marked that moment with a flash tattoo at an outdoor event. However, due to a storm, my plans at my first tat were ruined, but the live music carried on inside after some last-minute preparation. The day even ended with a rainbow in the sky.

The following week, I was in virtual community with queer writers celebrating the summer solstice. I also celebrated a year of being with this collective. I found the free write I did last summer. I want to answer a couple of the questions.

What is the poison that needs to leave me?

Coincidentally, I just watched an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) titled The Deadly Venom. And I just checked my phone. My poison is my need for distraction. It keeps me from tapping in to my true self. I can’t get to know myself if I’m immersed in things outside of myself. Of course, there’s fun distraction (like the episode reference above), and then there’s impulsive distraction. I fill empty space with distraction, ways to get attention, whether it’s my own or from others. If it’s not my phone, it’s food. I dug into the latter deeper when I was in my outpatient program in the winter. I see some of my coping mechanisms coming back as things I can’t control bother me. Grace is key, as I have improved in so much this year, and relapse is normal.

What do I prioritize for healing?

Anything urgent and body related comes first. I started experiencing dizziness a few days ago. Luckily, it reminded me of something similar I went through a few years ago after doing some allergy testing, so I’m taking allergy meds and sleeping with elevation. I plan on making an appointment to make sure there isn’t anything else going on. My diet has drastically changed due to the food relapse I mentioned above, so I know eating healthier would help, too.

I also want to prioritize creativity again. Completing the April poetry challenge this year meant a lot to me. It told me that I am capable of so much. I can write this next book. My next step is to compile my work and see what I’d like to do. Does the Breaking the Mask theme still fit? Do I maybe have more than one book concept on my hands?

I started this Substack to keep myself accountable, and I want this to be more than just checking a box every month.

I’ve also had this paralyzing fear of sifting through all the years of writing since my first book. So much has happened since then, and some of it I’m afraid to relive or remind myself of.

But I’ll end with this reminder I wrote in April:

Memory's garden
Holds space for mourning.

Memory's garden
Holds space for new life.

Both coexist
In the cycle of rebirth.